Tears.

Even you have betrayed me.

You asshole! I thought you were forever!!!!

I thought you would never leave me.

Even when he left, i thought you wouldn’t.

I really want you to return, for you freed me of depression. I feel so heavy now. But i just cant find the words, i cant find a person to pour out to.

You were my lifeline. You gave me hope, that even when it hurts today, tomorrow will be just fine.

But now?? What am i supposed to do now??

Im hopeless. I feel terrible. I feel vulnerable.

I just cant hold on anymore.

When they say its in the eyes, i knew it too. Because you were there, deep down, waiting to overflow.

They say you cry when you are sad. But is it though?

We cry when we are exhausted. We cry when we feel like it doesn’t matter anymore, its not coming back.

Crying does not make you weak, for crying shows the courage you had possessed that made you hold on, even when letting go seemed a better option.

I know im loved, i know im cherished but to feel it, one ought to feel the pain.

Im not hurt. Im not in pain. Actually, im not in anything.

Im suffering, silently and gracefully.

“Pretty pretty girl, what more do you need!! For you have a pretty face and a pretty body!”

Yes, im soooooo happy. Im sooooo happy that im smiling too hard. This is what you see!

Im smiling and im laughing. What a perfect life that i have!

Do you see that im fading? Slowly and steadily?

One day im here, next, im not.

Maybe then you’ll all see.

May you find it odd, but i feel pleasure in pain.

For to feel is to live. But little do i feel today, i feel like im disappearing. Maybe i feel less because its ending.

But you, you have betrayed me. And im sad you did. For once you were there. Ready to embrace whenever i felt less.

But now, its just me.

Me against them all.

Thoughts #1

Life has changed. A lot. I’m now getting to a point where i get this feeling that I can soon find myself. I have evolved and still am. I’ve learned a lot but just not enough. I know I will get there soon. But now I live in hope. It is the only thing that is making me live today. There is no point beyond hope. I’m not done with life, I’m just not getting enough. I know im searching for something or someone but I just cannot put my finger on what it is. Soon I’ll find it. I’ll be so happy then. But as of now, I will stay alive. I will be patient with the process, for god is a woman and therefore will sure understand the mess I am.

In reality, there’s no one by your side. Legit!. It’s just you and you only. Everyone want to make everything about themselves that sometimes, when i’m opening up to someone about why im sad, i end up consoling the other person! I know!!! Nuts!

All i want is a moment to myself. People around me always complain about me being so shut off all the time. Like they “actually” care about what’s going on in my life. Its all just an act, darling and i just cannot care less. Be comfortable with not having to open up. Be comfortable with you being honest to just you. Screw the people who are going to judge you for it. You are you and you need you. You need you happy.

Feelings..

The thing with us women is that we feel. We feel things again and again. We feel everything. We feel all those feelings we felt a year ago, maybe years ago but we never not feel. It can be both a boon and a curse. Sometimes all we want to do is feel those moments all over gain, when we were happy. Like anything and everything around was perfect, like that is where we belong. It’s the best remedy when we feel like ending it all. But other times, those moments just come to us, all of a sudden, out of nowhere. It pierce into our heart, touching on that wound that was healing. Let me tell you, boys, it kills us.

We feel the ocean. We feel the wind that came to us with a story from a far off land. We feel the passer-by, who carries all his mysteries thinking it’s all going to go with him to the grave. We feel our mother, who’s face became stone-rigid with that fake smile she holds, crawling through the merciless experiences god throws her into, even though all she did was putting herself second to all the ones she loved. We feel all that we are not supposed to feel. But what hurts is that we just cannot feel ourselves. With all those overflowing feelings of the past, others and other things, our heart just do not have enough space to hold more. Or so god made it to be.

Pain is good.

The tree of my hopes have been forever empty.

For i chose to ne this way to avoid pain.

But to say the truth, its so lonely without it, pain.

Its been my guilty pleasure of past,

To feel and to bleed.

To fly and to fall.

To let myself fall too deep, too easy

At the same time, to have a heart so fragile.

I knew it was a risk. A deadly game.

But also did i know that its a risk worth taking.

The pain to be felt was to feel god himself.

Hate.

I stand in a crowd,

Still do i feel lonely.

I drink a thousand emotions in your name.

Dyou have any idea, what its like to be me

Someone who feels.

And to be that person in love.

When you are gone, i miss you as if you feel so too

And the moment i lay my eyes on you, when you dont look back, my heart forms a stranger feeling, hate.

A million days in bed. A night at the library. A letter from hogwarts. A vampire waiting for me. And you.

All those my little heart craves for. knowing that its unrealistic but still wish for.

Moving on was the bravest thing my fragile heart had to go through. It can do that again. I know.

But it really dont want to.

Dreams can really set you up for impossible things. Strange but true

Here I am, wishing, not for your love but for my heart to give up on you.

Funny how we are even ready to risk our sanity for a person who doesn’t even care.

Its all a game, we know. But dont want to believe that.

We are human, we like to be proven wrong.

Not anymore.


Today I heard our song and I my heart just forced me to think of the best moment we shared, the moment when you first gave me butterflies, the moment anyone has ever gave me one…. every time I think of that moment, my face suddenly lit up n my stomach experience the same butterflies every time…but you know what happened today, when I heard the song? When I thought of our moment?? I did not get butterflies. although my heart really wished it to happen….and after all these months of healing, now I know what’s it to be free….free of you…free of us……but you know something else, i’m not happy about it.. although I really wish to be.. I don’t feel relieved this time. I feel like I lost you forever…the funny part is, I have lost you 10 months ago..but today I felt “us” slipping away from my hearts grip..n its not easy to watch that happen. When you know you are not ready.

You.

Maybe thats what makes us all human. Just human.

We feel. We feel love like its destined to be within us. Like its the only truth in this world. We feel like its so powerful and there is nothing we can do about it.

But there is actually a lot we can do about love. We should be able to choose whom to love. We should never be like “ I fell for him n i couldn’t do anything about it” Its your feelings, dumbass!! Try to channelise it. Try to hold control over it. Dont be a weekass girl when you know you are not.

Just….just take a moment, sit and think about the person you have feelings for. Is he really in love with you? Does he really care about you? Does he craves to be around you all the time?

Does he question your self worth? Did he ever try to disrespect you? Does he talk to you about other girls? Does he enjoy seeing you getting hurt with his words? Has he ever held your hands in public? Or ever did any romantic shit without giving a rats ass about what others think?? Does he try to defend you in public? Does he always say the truth to you or never have lied to you? Is he there for you when tou are down? Or just there to have a blast when you are all happy? Do you talk about deep shit every now and then? Do you feel free to talk to him about everything? Or do you hold back your thoughts just to not cause a fight? Did he introduce you to his frnds? Does he like to have you around even if he is with your friends? Do you guys talk about stupid, meaningless things in the middle of the night? Does he make you think about self-respect often? And many more..just think!

You know what answers you’d get for these questions if you were with the right one. If you are getting different answer for most of it, then its time you ask yourself one last question: “is it really worth it?”

You will not be able to love another person if you cannot love yourself enough. Take a break. Take time. Focus on yourself. Your happiness. Find yourself and honor your strengths. You are one of a kind and deserve to be loved like no one else!!

Loves XOXO.

Not mine.


Even when i know that there is no point holding on to you,
My hearts just too weak to let go.
The last time i checked, it was the strongest on earth.
Dont know what changed
All I can see is that you came along, changed everything.
Why does it have to be this way. Someone’s always bound to get hurt
Why cant it be a happily forever, atleast this time.
To live is to love. But to love is to leave, with a brocken soul and an hand full of memories.
Do you have any idea whats it to be on the other side? Risking it all? Falling too deep too easily?
Stupid heart’s back on its shit. All over again.

I just wanna forget about all the time we spend together. But simple does it sound,
To see you everday,
To see that brown eyes laid on my lips.
I stand here, helpless, for you are not mine.

Staying away from you is not working, lemme tell you.
For to see you for another year, it crushes my heart.
You are hers. Or will be.
Never mine, never dare to dream so.

Listen.

Listen. Its not him thats holding you back from falling for another. Its you. And the reason? Today you love yourself more than you can ever love another male. You have gotten used to all your flaws and you love and appreciate them now. You know, that all your flaws make you beautiful. You know your value n what you deserve. You know its better to be just yourself than chasing a boy n losing all your respect. You know you deserve better than that.

The one thing that I learned in this 10 months of moving on, is that to be cold. Today i know how to just leave things which could potentially hurt me. I know if its worth my time and of not, Im not gonna be wasting any of it. My heart has become soooo dead and cold that tears have long become a stranger to my eyes. The moment i start getting feeling for a male, my heart automatically gives a reflexive impulse to back off and search for “something better” even when it knows that it could be my potential husband standing right in front of me. As much as my moving on have helped me gain my self worth, now i dont necessarily feel much. Even when i feel, the feelings that i feel are inappropriate for the situation. Like when i am to feel happy or romantic, anger kicks in. When i am to feel reassured, i get this feel that he could be playing me. Everything i feel does not make any sense. I feel like im losing my sane each day and love is becoming stranger to my soul. It feels so hot n boiled inside amd cold n frozen at the same time.

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