“Are you scared.?”
“Why should I be?”
“You are with me now. Away from everything that you called yours. Away from your parents, siblings. Away from home.”
*She smiled looking down*
“Yes I’m away from a lot of things that made me… A lot of familiar feelings are going to leave me now, now that I’m not where I have been for the all my life.”
“Aren’t you afraid? Afraid maybe that you are making a mistake?”
*They stood there looking at the thousand stars above them, a million lives beneath them and a whole lot of feelings passing right through both of their minds*
“Why are you asking me this? Now?”
“You know that I want you. I want you in all my skin and soul. Every last piece of you. I want to be with you. Make love to you. Raise our children with you. I want your hands on mine when Im happy and your arms around when I’m not. I want all of you……
*She kept her fingers on his lips*
“Its alright. Im home.”
I know that im playing with fire.
And this time, im afraid.
Afraid im gonna get a burn.
Afraid its gonna be all me.
Afraid my wounds will turn into scars.
Scars that are going to be permanent.
Maybe you do have a fondness in me.
But thats not enough for me this time.
This time, im not going to let myself fall for anything less than what i truly deserve.
This time, i deserve happiness, care and respect.
Everything i wish i had a year ago.
When i wishes at the stars, you weren’t what i was hoping for.
Surprisingly, you came along.
I know you are not what i want, but maybe god knows better.
He sent me what i need.
All these stupid things you do to make my lips curl upwards, all the time you made my forget the pain in my wounds.
Maybe this is it.
You are it.
Please dont mistake me for loving you.
I dont expect you to love me back. Nor will i have that.
Dare to try and I’ll burn to ashes, just like that.
And from the ashes will i rise but not through your feeling do i want to grow.
I know there were times when all I craved for was your hands on mine but now I’ll burn before that happen. burn to ashes.
Where are you now, can i ask?
Not where you stand but your heart.
Because after everything we once had, i believe we talked with our eyes and lived inside that tiny beating beast inside us.
I should say, you did a great job living inside me. For it is now nostalgic and want you back.
But when can I have my home back? When will you open the door again for me?
You won’t touch me again. I know, your lose.
But my skin is burning without yours. Guess I’ll just burn to death then.
I wont have you back, I’ll burn to ashes before that.
Its not even fair.
When you were the one to leave but I am the one to feel.
You are probably laughing now. With all that you have.
Everyone around you makes you feel happy. Make you want to breathe.
But I don’t think that’s the case with me.
Yes, I too laugh.
But am I happy? No.
I am so far from being happy.
I am unhappy. But I won’t tell.
I want you back, but i won’t have you back.
Maybe I am dying, yes. Maybe I am failing without you.
But I won’t take you back. Not in a million years. Even if that means cold cold years, I’ll take that but not you.
Its not fair. For i was in pain, then and now. But you get to be happy.
Why is that so?
When I’m here fading away, you get to be the jerk all over again?
You get to ignore, you get to leave?
I’m still picking up the pieces. I’m still feeling you.
I still love you. And that’s not fair
What is it that you want? Obviously, its not love.
For whenever i hold a little tight, you tend to move a little away.
Its not happiness. For whenever i try a little harder to make you happy, you gets a little fed up.
Its not silence. For whenever i try not to disturb you, strangely, you move a little close.
You confuse me.
Sometimes to a point where i think letting go would be a better choice.
But you confuse me in a way i want to hold on.
My heart confuse me.
Sometimes to that level where even myself find it difficult to explain what it is.
But it confuse me in a way that it loves you harder every freakin minute.
So tell me, Do you want me?
Or do you need me?
I guess I’ll never know then.
You’ll never tell.
Well in that case, I’ll be here when you need me.
Here. Anytime at all.
Maybe a bit less every second passing. But here. To hear the sound of you calling my name.
Here, dying. Slowly.
Those little moments did not turn out to be that little.
Neither did the words we said without actually saying it.
The places we went. No! The places we reached,walking aimlessly.. so into our worlds that we forgot we were moving forward.
Little did we knew then, that forward is a dangerous place to be.
To be living was pretty difficult when we’d rather dream our dream. To live our dream.
To wake up was an end call.
We had to. We did.
Love killed by reality.
With it, we became the 1000000002347548th victim of life.
We often tend to confuse reality with perfection.
You might find your reality to be perfect, but
Nothing perfect is going to forever remain real..
You’ll just stand there. Watching.
When all that you thought was forever, slowly fading away.
Thou shall not weep, darling
For there will come another illusion.
Just like him. Maybe better.
And thou shall fall. All over again.
I was so madly in love with you that i knew if i did not walk away,
I would die craving more..
Like a drug addict when in rehab
I know my heart and it wants you every fucking second.
And my lips, yours.
But i knew that was too much of an ask
I knew i had to walk away.
I took me every last bit of strength remaining to say “no” to my heart
Because you spoiled it by giving it everything it wanted.
But where are you now? When i want you most.
Im in love with you, yes.
Maybe my heart wants your heat
But my brain is not a huge pile of shit.
I knew i had to stop loving you.
Sad part, im still deeply in love with you, every fucking part of you.
Even when i know you dont deserve it, when i know you dont deserve love, when you broke my trust, when you broke my heart. When you did not call me back, when you did not hold my hands. When you did not apologize, when you did not explain why.
Im madly in love with you.
Sometimes you might find me staring at you, even though in no way are we connected. For no reason. Please don’t mistake it for me being a freak. It’s just me living my life, living through each of you. Looking for similarities in our vulnerabilities. To find the pain that each of us, strangers, try so hard to hide, but somehow putting it out there. Unknowingly searching for another soul that could set us free, Free of this mortality.
Hey! Maybe i am a freak. Ha!!
But aren’t we all though? Learning with each day that we are a misfit in this lie for a world? Becoming more and more curious in the quest for life after death?
Living more in our heads than materialistically?
We both are sooooooo different yet the same. We live in two parallel worlds, living a life that’s thrusted upon us by a strange force. Less do we complain. Day by day are we learning to give in.
We are accepting that it is what it is.
Life as it is.